As recorded in last February's article “Health is a Personal Responsibility,” my mother-in-law has exceeded the doctor’s estimation of life span measured in weeks to nearly 16 months. She passed away on 1st July 2024. Holding her hands and watching her heartbeat gradually flat-lined was emotional. After 72 hours, her ashes slipped through my fingers into the ocean.
Witnessing the death of a loved one can be a profoundly transformative experience. While grief and loss are undeniably painful, they can also serve as a powerful reminder of the preciousness of life and the importance of living each day to the fullest. By embracing our mortality and accepting the inevitability of death, we can learn to live more meaningful, grateful, and fulfilling lives.
Bronnie Ware shares "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying - A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing," the regrets are:
"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
This was the most common regret, as people realized that they had not honored many of their dreams due to the choices they made or did not make. Living a life based on the expectations of others is a sure way of facing internal frictions."I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
This regret came from every male patient Ware nursed, as they missed out on their children's youth and their partner's companionship by dedicating too much time to work."I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."
Many people suppress their feelings to keep peace with others, leading to a mediocre existence and unfulfilled potential. People live with internal struggles, and their actions are untrue and not aligned with their authentic selves."I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."
The value of longstanding friendships often became evident at the end of life, but many people regretted not investing time and effort in maintaining these relationships. We seldom take the initiative to organize gatherings with friends and wait for someone else to invite us at a convenient time."I wish that I had let myself be happier."
A surprisingly common regret was the realization that happiness is a choice, and many people stayed stuck in unfulfilling routines out of fear of change.
Another 2 books that I like about the art of living are:
《活法》稻盛和夫 Kazuo Inamori
《活学》金惟純 Jin Weichun
“如果你的人生只有一件事,会是什么?答案是:活好!判断一个人活得好不好的标准很简单,就看别人想不想和你在一起,希不希望成为你的样子。” - 金惟純
“If you had only one thing in life, what would it be? The answer is: live well! The simple criterion for whether someone is living well or not is whether others want to be with you, whether they want to become like you.” - Jin Weichun
Many of our followers are like employees or children who are ‘forced’ to be with us due to the circumstances, and we are the authoritative figures. A person who lives well is like a trusted light, and others voluntarily and willingly follow him/her and are happy to be with him/her. Pull with attraction instead of push by brute force.
I don’t have the English title of these two books. The late Mr. Kazuo Inamori and Mr. Jin Weichun both followed the teaching of Wang Yangming(王阳明), who encouraged us to practice the “human skills”, 致良知 (zhì liáng zhī) in English translates to “Moral Knowing.” It refers to a congenitally endowed moral consciousness and a capacity for moral understanding that exists universally in all people. One can read《The Philosophy Of Wang Yang-Ming》, the 1916 English publishing by author Frederick Goodrich Henke, 1916.
I asked Artificial intelligence (AI) for advice, and AI compiled 4 points and I kind of agreed.
The Gift of Gratitude
One of the most common themes among those who have experienced the loss of a loved one is a newfound sense of gratitude. When faced with the stark reality of life's fragility, many people report feeling more appreciative of the small moments and simple pleasures that were once taken for granted.
By cultivating a daily practice of gratitude through journaling, meditation, or simply taking a moment to appreciate the beauty around us, we can learn to savor the present moment and find joy in the everyday. This shift in perspective can help us prioritize what truly matters and let go of the petty grievances and worries that so often consume our thoughts.
It is also more meaningful to connect with the current lives by being fully present. There is no point regretting after our loved ones have moved on.
Facing Fears and Finding Acceptance
Confronting our mortality can be daunting, but it is also an essential part of living a fulfilling life. By facing our fears and anxieties about death head-on, we can learn to accept it as a natural part of the human experience and find peace in its inevitability.
"Analysis of death is not for the sake of becoming fearful but to appreciate this precious lifetime." - Dalai Lama
Engaging in honest conversations about death and dying can help us better understand our values, beliefs, and priorities. This self-reflection can help us live more authentically and maximize our time.
“出生入死” - 老子
“The moment we are borned, we are on our path of dying.” - Lao Tze
The Art of Letting Go
Accepting death also means learning to let go of the things that no longer serve us. This can include toxic relationships, unhealthy habits, or limiting beliefs that hold us back from living our best lives. By cultivating the courage to let go and embrace change, we can create space for new opportunities and experiences to enter our lives. Letting go can also help us find peace in the face of loss.
Letting go can also be practiced with essentialism. Seek more intrinsic fulfillment instead of extrinsic satisfaction. We came to this world naked and cannot bring anything with our death. The total weight of the ashes from a cremated adult body is similar to that of a newborn. Hence, there is not much point in holding on too tightly to materialistic possessions. Having more wonderful shared memories is a more valuable asset.
Living with Purpose and Intention
When confronted with the reality of death, many people find themselves asking the question, "What truly matters?" This existential inquiry can be a powerful catalyst for change, inspiring us to live with greater purpose and intention. We can create a meaningful and fulfilling life by identifying our core values and aligning our actions with those principles (知行合一,王阳明). Whether dedicating ourselves to a cause greater than ourselves, nurturing our relationships with loved ones, or pursuing our passions and dreams, living with intention can help us feel more connected, purposeful, and alive.
Personally, I use the following two principles to guide my journey on the second mountain:
(1) align with our true self, live an authentic life (活出真我)
(2) contribute our strength and resources for altruistic cause (利他)
The opposite is wasting time with internal friction (内耗), living in envy, hatred, and unhappiness by comparison with others, and spending all our energy on a quest for more selfish gain. There is no point feeding our ego, as no living person has any real memory about us after three generations.
Witnessing death is never easy, but it can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth and transformation. By embracing our mortality and living each day with gratitude, purpose, and intention, we can create a meaningful, fulfilling life and be deeply connected to the present moment. In this acceptance of death, we find the true art of living.
By honoring the memory of those we've lost and keeping their love alive in our hearts, we can find comfort and strength in the face of grief.
"Though lovers be lost, love shall not." - Dylan Thomas